More Than Just a Daydream
by Lucyh95
Summary: He was not dreaming; this was real. For some reason, he was afraid that if he closed his eyes, it would all fade away, that it would be nothing more than a fantasy, nothing more than a bitter-sweet daydream. And that was something he wouldn't be able to bear. Chapter 4 is added now! *Warning: mature content*
1. Chapter 1

**More Than Just a Daydream**

* * *

He was not dreaming; this was real. For some reason, he was afraid that if he closed his eyes, it would all fade away, that it would be nothing more than a fantasy, nothing more than a bitter-sweet daydream. He was tired—_exhausted_. But even so, he could not rest. Not yet, because—

"Hey, Shinichi."

"Mh?"

"Are you happy?"

He turned his head toward her, meeting her gaze, soft eyes staring back at him. "Of, course. Of course, I'm happy! Why wouldn't I be? I finally am reunited with the most beautiful girl in the world!" He shook his head. "Idiot." He leaned a little bit more against the warm frame of his girlfriend and kissed her softly on the cheek. It felt nice. He wanted to stay like this forever. If he only could—

"Then... are you sad?"

_"Eh?"_

He leaned back a bit, Ran meeting his gaze once more. She was studying him, her eyes held concern—worry.

_Shit_.

He swallowed.

_Why? Why why why?_

A laugh escaped his throat. It sounded hoarse. "Ran, what are you saying? Why would I—"

_Damnit_.

_You are sad, aren't you?_

_'No— I—'_

_It was hard, wasn't it?_

_'Maybe. But—'_

_It was unbearable. All of it. Every damn second._

_'...'_

_But it's okay. You know that, right? Now, it's alright._

_'No! It's not alright. Not even close.'_

He turned away from Ran before his face crumpled, fighting against the sudden feel of hot tears building up behind his eyes. He was not Conan anymore. Then why. Then why was he so— _So..._

A warm hand placed itself on his shoulder. He shivered under the light touch. It felt nice, it was comforting, it was—

"All this time..." Ran's voice was soft. "All this time, you've shouldered this heavy burden alone by yourself, haven't you? Worrying and stressing. Trying to find a solution, all the while keeping us safe—keeping me safe."

"It must have been hard."

_'It's painful, isn't it?'_

And he turned back to her, his eyes boring into her own. And his expression—

The anguish on his face; eyes desperate and pleading.

And then she realized it; Conan-kun had never been a child. Not really. Not when she looked at him now. Now like this, she understood. His—Shinichi's face, for the first time, held an expression; an expression so childlike, so lost. It made her heart squeeze painfully in her chest. She reached out a hand, heart racing, cheeks hot, and placed it gently on his cheek. "You're tired, aren't you." It was not a question, not really. She didn't need to ask. His exhaustion was tangible. But even so, he shook his head and opened his mouth, but no sound came forth.

"You are. You don't have to pretend, okay."

_'You don't have to pretend.'_

_'It's okay, you know?'_

_'It's alright.'_

She stroked his cheek gently, feeling the wetness of tears under her palm.

_"It's okay."_

**000**

It was not okay. It was far from alright; it was humiliating, embarrassing. But he couldn't— could not stop it, this flood of emotion. He sniffled, wiping his now running nose. _Ew, disgusting. _He was in turmoil. He was a mess. A tearful mess. Just like a child. _Heh_, _and wasn't that just ironic. Wasn't that just even a tad funny? _But he couldn't find it in him to laugh; not at himself for this embarrassing display, and not in joy over finally getting his body back. To get everything back, everything he had wished for so long, everything he had fought for so hard; he should be smiling, _right? _But, he couldn't find it in him to smile. Not at this very moment. At this moment, he could only cry, a deep sorrow finally finding its way up and pouring out of him in a sorry sight of tears and sobs. His form heaved once more while he tried to catch his breath, it ended in a sob. Damn him. _Why? Why why why? _But the only answer he got was more treacherous, stinging tears he couldn't hold back, and he squeezed his eyes shut tightly. Now, he could only cry, a deep sorrow finally finding its way up, pouring out of him, all the while she held him close without a single word. And he knew; this was no daydream, no nightmare—

This was real: _he was finally home again._

**000**

He had finally calmed down. Face still blotchy, cheeks still wet with remaining tear trails. But he was calm. He didn't look at her, avoided her gaze at all cost, and she could guess why; so she reached out, gentle fingers finding his face once more, and she made him look at her. "Shinichi—" the words fell breathlessly off her lips, and she bent forward, his eyes widened for a moment, and then, their lips met softly; a kiss, so sweet and salty. The sensation made her heart race, her cheeks heating up with a crimson glow.

She was in love. She loved him so much.

He suddenly moved and pushed her down on the bed, him looming over her, hair messily falling into his face. They stared at each other for a few moments, their hearts beating loud in their chests, faces flushed with this newfound sensation, feelings of excitement and uncertainty hovering silently between them. "I love you, I've missed you so much." The words fell off his lips and in his eyes shone a brilliance she had never seen before. She was sure her heart couldn't beat any louder than now. She was sure. Then, he bent down, their lips meeting once more, sweet and forceful.

Guess she was wrong.

_"Shinichi... I— I love you too."_

* * *

Well, this was the result of a lovely review and an awesome fic recommendation. I didn't plan on adding that last romance bit, but somehow it found its way into this fic. I'm not a romance writer, so I hope that part is not too bad ahaha.

Nonetheless, I hope you enjoyed this fic!

All the mistakes are mine.


	2. Chapter 2

He loomed over her, she beneath him. Dark hair splayed around her head like a crown, a deep blush coloring her cheeks. "Shinichi." His name fell off her lips. The sound was a delight, caressing his ears. He bent down and kissed her once more, softly, sweetly. "...Ran." He felt breathless—felt like flying, heart pounding loudly in his chest. She brought up a hand, fingers grasping the collar of his shirt, and they stared at each other. Then her other hand found the buttons, and she began to undo them, one by one, slowly, till he was able to slide the material off his shoulders. Her hand found his chest, fingers on his bare skin, and he shuddered under her light touch. It felt so good. "Are you okay?"

He nodded. "Yeah. I'm more than okay." He reached down, tucking some loose strands of hair behind her ear. He flashed a smile. "You?"

And she beamed at him, eyes sparkling, fingers skating over the dried tear tracks that were probably still on his cheeks. Then she dragged him down as an answer, their mouths connecting once more, his tongue stroking her lips softly before pushing inside. He could feel the moan vibrating through her chest, and he responded in kind when one of her shins began to press between his legs. _Ah, fuck._

His fingers fumbled with her purple dress, and she wiggled underneath him in the desire for more. He began the process of unbuttoning. When the purple material finally slid away, he took in a shuddering breath at the sight of her. "You are beautiful." His throat was suddenly dry, and he had to swallow a few times. And despite the deep blush that spread, she grinned a little shyly. After a short moment of hesitation, his fingers ghosted over her collarbone, tickling the delicate skin, getting a hushed breath in response, and she arched her back. Then he moved further down, till his fingers reached the fringes of her bra. They locked eyes for a moment before she pushed him gently back up. The question shone in her eyes. "Can you...?" She sat up on her knees and twisted around. _Ah_. He fumbled with the clasp for a bit before it finally came loose, the straps sliding off her shoulders, and she tossed the material away. He bent forward, draping his arms over her shoulders, his naked chest pressed flush against her back, his cheek pushed against hers. They both groaned at the sensation of the closeness of their bodies squeezed together.

"Is it okay... if I touch you?" He felt himself blush at the question, and he had to swallow again. But he wanted—he wanted her, so. Her breath was hot against his cheek when she kissed him there, lips lingering for a second. "Yes." The word was soft and breathy, and it sent a thrill down his back. She took his hand and led it till it met her tender flesh. He squeezed softly with an intake of a shuddering breath—he really could not help it—and _oh god_—the nipple underneath his palm hardened. She moaned in response. "God, Shinichi, I want—I can't—_Ah_." And he understood it all too well, own body heavy and throbbing with _want_. _'Yes, please.'_

They both shed the rest of their clothes rather quickly. Then they were completely naked—exposed and blushing. But their desiring and need overruled their embarrassment and shyness soon.

"Is this okay, Ran?"

"Are you okay?"

"I'm perfectly fine, Shinichi." She smiled up at him, eyes hooded, touching his cheek. "Don't worry, okay."

He nodded.

They both fumbled with the condom, Shinichi's fingers even shook when he tried to open the package. But Ran smiled encouragingly at him, clearly as nervous as he felt at the moment.

"Come, let me help."

So after a while, once again, he hovered over her. Face scrunched up while he slowly pushed inside of her, groaning at the sensation of the warmth and tightness that engulfed him. Ran had her eyes closed, brow furrowed, fingers clawing at the mattress. A pained noise from her made him stop immediately, sweat dribbling down his back, chest heaving. "Are you okay, Ran? Did I hurt you?" He felt a spark of fear. _'What if, what if—'_

A shake of her head stopped his roaming thoughts before they could spiral out of control. "Don't worry. I am just a little sensitive down there right now."

"Oh." He frowned. "I will be gentle." He got a laugh in response, and once more, her hand found his cheek, stroking the flushed skin.

"It will be okay, Shinichi. Really." And she kissed him.

They both lost themselves in their world of color, feeling, sound, and movement, surrounded by a tangle of sheets and their newfound emotions.

He never knew it would feel this _good_. And he was already close. He had wanted Ran to be the one to come first. But—_oh_—_shit_. It just felt _too_ good—so good it nearly hurt. The small part of him that had been keeping its rationality crumbled at once when he peaked, and he gave himself over at the sweet and burning feelings surging through him, eyes rolling to the back of his head. The sound that escaped him when he came would have made him cower in shame was it not for his reeling mind and incoherent thoughts. He didn't care—it didn't matter—because never he had felt something like this—something so intense—something so sweet.

Underneath him, Ran also reached her climax soon, constricting around him and sobbing out a breath in pleasure. Her nails dug deep in the skin of his shoulders, keening as she came.

_"Shinichi, I love you."_

_I—I love you too, Ran."_

* * *

Uhm well. My brain decided that this story needed a follow-up. So I wrote this. I wanted to explore what could have happened after the first chapter. I've never written something like this, and while I enjoy reading some good lemony stories, writing such a scene is something quite different. So I hope this is okay. Any feedback is appreciated!

All the mistakes are mine.


	3. Chapter 3

They lay together, still clinging to each other, sweaty and trying to catch their breathing after the exertion from just moments before.

"Did you feel good?" Shinichi asked after a while, eyes searching her face, cheeks growing a little red again, their earlier endeavors were at some point he had thrown away all his restraint and care, coming to his mind—she'd witnessed the way he looked when he had come, after all. Ran giggled inwardly. It was a small secret memory she would cherish forever. And—he'd seen her too, right. Ran tried not to pay attention to the tiny flash of embarrassment that still managed to creep up on her, lodging itself in her chest. "Yes." She nodded and smiled shyly, tugging the sheets a bit more around her still naked chest. "You?" He also nodded, smiling relieved, and touching her cheek. "I'm happy to hear that. And yes, me too. It was great. You were great." And Ran blushed deeply.

"You too," she whispered.

They stayed like that for a long time. Quiet and content, snuggled together.

At last, Ran reached over and brushed some loose strands of hair from Schinichi's forehead, getting a soft mumble in reply, and she let out a slow breath in satisfaction. Their first time had been clumsy and a bit awkward, yes _(and was that not something everyone had to go through?)_. But the experience had also been so much better than she had ever imagined it would be. She smiled softly. Looking at her boyfriend's face surrounded by a mop of disheveled hair, which was relaxed now—eyes closed—made her feel relieved. She still could not forget the image of his anguish from a bit earlier that afternoon; the tears and the feel of his sobs heaving his form as he clung to her in painful desperation. The intensity of the emotions he had displayed before her had nearly thrown off her balance. But she'd stayed steady and calm. Like he had done so many times for her in the past _(you can do it, Ran. I believe in you!)_. She'd known that he was hurting underneath his smiles and reserved demeanor, of course, she had. But she had not been able to apprehend the depth of it all, and perhaps she would never be able to. Not completely. _But she would try._

She sighed again and leaned a bit nearer to kiss him on the nose. Shinichi did not stir, his breathing coming slow and steady; he was asleep. And she smiled once more. Both his intense emotions and their first time had worn him out completely. And she was glad he was able to get a bit of rest; he had been having nightmares, even if he had done his utmost to hide that fact from her. "Idiot," she murmured lovingly and shook her head. "Always trying to look cool, eh, constantly trying to shoulder everything by yourself, even though you are running yourself ragged in the process. You should let others take some of the burdens from you sometimes." His obvious embarrassment after he'd cried, had made her feel a bit sad, too. "You're perfectly fine as you are, Shinichi," she continued. "You are human. And you can be sad and in pain. And that's completely okay, you hear me?"

He didn't hear, though. But that was fine.

She would tell him again once he woke up. And as many times as was needed after that.

She kissed him again, this time on the cheek, and snuggled a little closer while giving in to a yawn, shutting her eyes, sleep already tugging at her conscious.

_"I love you, Shinichi, sleep well."_

* * *

I could not help myself and needed to write another part. This part will probably be the final chapter, but who knows :)

All the mistakes are mine.


	4. Chapter 4

He awoke with a choked cry, limbs flailing, desperate to escape from the tangled bedsheets that enveloped them. He tried to take in a deep breath, but it seemed that his lungs had forgotten their purpose. _(What?)_ panicked, he gulped for oxygen, chest heaving with the effort, heart pounding loudly in his ears, sweat soaking his shirt, the material sticking to his heated skin. Suddenly someone grasped his wrist, and in a reflex, fueled by his fear, he tried to pull back, the nightmare still surging through his mind, permeating his vision. The hand did not let go of him, however, and it only caused the fingers to hold on tighter around his wrist.

_(There had been black darkness. There had been red (blood?). There had been— oh god, please— please no—)_

_"Shinichi!"_

Suddenly, his name reached his ears, a voice piercing through the thick haze of panic and confusion _(who?)._ And he opened his eyes. _(Had he kept them closed shut all this time?)._ A blurry face came into view. _Ran_. And suddenly it came all back to him: he was in his bedroom, and he was back—back to his old self. He was safe, and _she_ was safe—safe from _Them_. And with the realization, his muscles relaxed all at once, and he let himself sag back against the headrest. A long and exhausted exhale left his lungs, head pounding painfully.

With the realization, another feeling set in suddenly. _Nausea_.

"Are you alright?" Ran's worried voice drifted somewhere from the left of him. And he had to grit his teeth as he nodded, not wanting to spill his dinner all over the white sheets._ God, he was behaving pathetic, wasn't he? Stupid, just all this over a little nightmare. Sure he should be over it by now, right. Right?_ It was what the voice of his inner critic whispered into his ear. That voice, it was always close, always at the back of his mind, ready to murmur and taunt, quick to remind him what a loser he was—what a letdown this person called Kudo Shinichi was.

_Damn_.

"Shinichi?"

A hand covered his own. He looked up, just now realizing the death grip he had on the sheets. He let go immediately. "Do you want some water? You look a bit pale." And he nodded, feeling oddly small. When she came back, a glass of water in one hand, he was changing into a new shirt, the other one drenched in sweat draped over one of the chairs.

When he sat down on the bed, Ran joined him, handing him the glass. He gulped down the cold water when he realized how thirsty he was. The coldness felt good. It helped him to clear his head a little—to lessen the fiery sensation that had been surging through him. He shuddered inwardly.

"You okay?" She was watching him. And he had to suppress the urge to fidget. So he just nodded tightly, not returning her gaze but staring at some invisible point on the wall.

And Ran smiled softly, a bit of sadness blending into her expression.

"You don't have to hide it, okay. Not from me."

_Ah_.

Was he that easy to read these days? _Yeah, you are, you know it better than anyone, don't you?_ Damn. He was not Conan anymore. It was all over. So why. _Why_ was he so— And to his horror, he felt another emotion surge up. And he tried to swallow it down franticly.

A warm hand found his own again. And the room around him became a bit blurred.

Why, oh, why was he so _weak_?

_Fuck_.

He coughed wetly and sniffed. Not quite crying, but shaken up enough to be dangerously close to breaking down. So he didn't say anything. And Ran didn't ask, fingers tightening comfortingly around his. The talking part would come later if she had to say anything about it. Because her stubborn boyfriend here still tended to bottle everything up.

She sat there with him for a while in silence, just the two of them.

The nightmares were a regularity. It was getting a bit better, but Shinichi still woke up at least twice or thrice a week, bathing in sweat, a yell on his lips. She was not always there to help, but when she was, she would do her utmost to support him.

Ran glanced to her side, taking in the silhouette of her boyfriend sitting slumped next to her. This nightmare seemed to have been a particularly bad one. She could tell. But no matter how bad, he still clung to that damn dignity of him, with all his might still trying to hide it from her. From everyone. With everything he had gone through, it was only understandable to have nightmares—to have struggles that were not easy to overcome.

Because she had noticed, of course, she had. The way he seemed to prefer day over night, the short looks he gave over his shoulder sometimes, the distant expressions on his face, the startles, the flinches.

And it was all part of him now; all part of his new-old self. It would get better with time, Ran was sure. But it seemed Shinichi was not. He seemed not to want to see it, pretend it all wasn't there. All Shinichi appeared to want to do was run away from it and go on like before—_before Conan_. And she understood. But sadly, it was not possible. And nobody asked that from him. It was only himself that demanded that.

She sighed deeply.

"Ran?" His voice jolted her from her thoughts, and she once more turned his way. He was now looking at her, a sheepish smile donning his lips. "I am sorry I woke you up." He scratched the back of his head, looking away for a moment. "It's okay now. Thanks."

She sighed again, brow furrowing. "Don't apologize for waking me up, okay. I already said it's fine." A beat. "Remember what I said?" And his shoulders collapsed a bit. "Yeah, I know. I just..." He trailed off, looking dejected, biting his cheek in obvious irritation. And Ran leaned sideward and kissed him on the cheek. "I already said you are completely okay the way you are. You will get through this, you and me together. You hear me?"

He turned to kiss her on the mouth, and then breathed out a sigh, his breath hot on her lips.

"Yeah... I know."

"Do you want to play a bit of chess before trying to sleep again?" Her lips curved in a small smirk, and she rolled her eyes in exaggeration at her next words. "I still need to manage to defeat you. Just once is not too much to ask, right."

And after a slight moment of hesitation, Shinichi smiled, his complexion finally returning a bit more to normal. "Okay."

* * *

Maybe I also will write a fifth chapter?


End file.
